Self-Aggrandizement: March 2006 Archives

More Jokes
Filed March 29, 2006 10:16 PM.

Another recent favorite:

A: Knock knock.

B: Who's there?

A: Control freak. Now you say "control freak who?"

Spiked
Filed March 28, 2006 5:54 PM.

Though, a week ago, the fu manchu was, according to one blogger I then met, "one of those faint, prepubescent mustaches that look like the wearer has just finished drinking Yoohoo and forgot to wipe his lip," it quickly grew out to something more terrifyingly bushy, something that received even worse reviews.

So, as of this morning, I'm back to clean-shaven, though likely to return - out of equal parts style and sloth - to my scruffy-bearded standard.

At the same time, my hair (as in head-top, rather than facial) has also reached the latter stages of the cut-grow-grow cycle. At the start of each such circuit, my hair spikes up, entirely on its own. So, in an effort to imply intentionality, I often use pomade during that first stage, as if to say, 'yes, it's supposed to look like this.'

Somewhere along the way, however, my hair loses its alfafa enthusiasm, laying down in such a way as to invite (at least when beardless) frequent comparison to Matthew Broderick. And, normally, at that point I stop using pomade.

But, this time through, oddly enthralled with the idea of stylistic self-experimentation (regardless of the distinct non-success of Project Fu Manchu), I've decided to keep pomading, and keep growing, as long as I can get my hair to stand straight up.

I've begun to discover already that doing so requires far more gel than usual - may soon even necessitate a whole new stronger, firmer-holding compound. But that shouldn't deter me. Already, I'm achieving a solid two-plus scalp-top vertical inches. And, god knows, I could use the extra height.

Sucker
Filed March 27, 2006 10:13 PM.

Put me on any flight longer than three hours, and, somewhere along the way, I'll read the Sky Mall Catalogue cover to cover.

I've been doing so for at least a decade. And, in all that time, I've never actually purchased anything from it.

I do the same with a handful of other catalogues: Crate and Barrel, Herrington, Design Within Reach. When they appear in my mailbox, I can't help but thumb my way through, will even dog-ear a page here and there, as if to convince myself that maybe, this time, despite years and years of uninterrupted experience to the contrary, I'll actually whip out a credit card and put in and order.

And It isn't just catalogues. Back before I killed my television, if I surfed past an infomercial - be it for ginsu knives, vacuum cleaners or ab machines - I'd inevitably watch it, transfixed, the rest of the way through.

I don't know why I do, nor why I derive pleasure from simply considering without actually purchasing. But, given the number of flights I take each year, not buying any of those lusted-after Sky Mall items has doubtless already saved me thousands upon thousands of dollars.

So, when I finally do call in to order the indoor electric-powered waterfall fountain, I figure I'm totally, completely justified in buying the really, really big one.

Thin Skinned
Filed March 26, 2006 11:24 PM.

A few evenings back, my brother and I made our way through four or five Times Square-adjacent bars, happily and successfully flirting with several tables of women at each stop.

At the very last bar, however, on the way out the door and back to my apartment, I tossed out a bit of - what at least seemed to me - witty banter for the hostess. She, apparently, found it far less amusing, a point she rather cuttingly made clear.

And as I look back, even as I recognize that the evening was, percentage-wise, one of the best I've ever had, I'm plagued by that one brutal crash-and-burn far more than I'm pleased by the blur of preceding successes.

Sure, life is a numbers game. And I know that I can't bat a thousand. But, to stretch the metaphor, it seems I still haven't mastered the fine art of striking out without feeling like I got hit in the head by the pitch.

Pity the Fu
Filed March 21, 2006 1:58 PM.

While I'd contemplated doing it at Sundance, only to be talked out of the idea by Scott and Rob, it wasn't until this morning that I whipped out a razor and took the plunge.

I now sport a - still somewhat scruffy, though evidencing limitless potential - Fu Manchu.

My brother has pointed out that it makes me look either Australian, or like the world's preppiest Hell's Angel.

Either way, I can't lose.

Balls
Filed March 20, 2006 1:04 PM.

Two quick bits of inappropriately juvenile humor:

A man goes into a psychiatrist's office, dressed only in Saran Wrap.

The psychiatrist says, "well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his crotch.

The bartender says, "hey, pirate, is that a steering wheel in your crotch?'

The pirate replies, "arrgh, it's driving me nuts."

Mashed
Filed March 19, 2006 11:32 PM.

I am, admittedly, both a snob and an alcoholic. Given the two, most people assume I must like scotch.

But, in truth, I've never really been a fan. In part because taking scotch too seriously as a twenty-something always strikes me as effortful, effete. And, in part, because I'm just not a fan of the way it tastes.

Still, every gentleman needs something to drink off the rocks, to sip neat. So, for years, I've been making my way through golden-brown beverage choices, looking for one to call my own.

I came close with cognac - but soon found even low-end choices to be prohibitively expensive across a drink-filled night about town. Barrel-aged rum, too, seemed a near fit, until I discovered the percentage of bars that stock nothing beyond Bacardi - acceptable on the rocks as a fifth drink of the evening, though less so as a first.

A month or so back, however, I discovered a definitive answer - one already sitting in my liquor cabinet.

Colin and I were six or seven hours into a late-night editing session, synching sound for Underground, staring at monitors full of Final Cut until our eyes had long since glazed. My liquor supplies having dwindled dangerously low, and in deference to Colin's Kentucky roots, I pulled down from the back of the cabinet a bottle of Woodford Reserve - a bottle I'd received as a gift, and had left unopened for a year and change, knowing that I don't like bourbon.

Or, rather, believing that I don't like bourbon. Because, it turns out, I do. A lot. Some more than others - Woodford or Makers Mark seeming much more to my taste than, say, Knob Creek.

I haven't yet had time to sample the wide array of base-level consumer choices, much less to test out the slew of high-end options. Still, I'm already sure bourbon is it - is my drink. It tastes right. It tastes like coming home.

Loopy
Filed March 18, 2006 6:05 PM.

As I've written about in the past, people tend to tell me things; taxi drivers in particular. This morning, for example, on the way back home from brunch in Chinatown, one told me this:

At about 5:00 in the morning, a young woman flagged him down at the corner of 56th and 7th.

"Where to?" he asked.

"56th and 7th," she replied.

As he tried to point out that they were already at 56th and 7th, it became quickly clear that the woman was exceedingly, belligerently drunk. So, after a few minutes of slurred excoriation, the driver shrugged and told her to buckle up. He drove a block down, a block West, a block up, and a block back East - a perfect one block loop.

"Which corner?" he asked.

"Near left," she replied. The exact same one on which he had just found her.

The fare was the morning minimum: $3. She handed him a $10.

"Keep the change," she said, "for getting me here so quickly."

Alive
Filed March 13, 2006 6:03 PM.

A quick post to let the world know that I'm in Austin at the moment for SxSW, an odd little festival I can best describe as what would happen if you crossed Sundance with MacWorld.

The Oh in Ohio premieres here this evening, with the lovely Helen Jane Hearn and Aubrey Sabala escorting me down the red carpet as dual dates.

I'm back in NYC by Wednesday, however, in time for an Underground fundraiser. If you're in the city, and fancy a Maker's Mark open bar, come on by.

The Results
Filed March 7, 2006 9:29 AM.

The First Annual Cyan Pictures Oscar Pool has come and gone, and, in the process, I've actually learned a number of things:

1. The crowd is smart.

Together, we correctly predicted 17 of the 24 Oscars.

2. Smarter than even our best entrant.

Still, congratulations to Jennifer Kearns, who, with 16 right answers (and missing only Crash for Best Picture in the eight 'big' categories) won the pool.

Also, 'congratulations' to Seanna Davidson, who, with 5 right answers (but still somehow getting Crash for Best Picture) was at the very bottom of the barrel. While, arguably, that means Seanna should be sending me movies, we're sending her a prize pack as well; clearly, she's in need of some good movie watching.

Jennifer and Seanna, shoot me an email to claim your prizes.

3. And way smarter than the average entrant.

Although, together, we got 17, on average, each of you only predicted 10.7 Oscars correctly.

4. Smarter than me.

Misled by my crush on Amy Adams in Junebug, I was in the (reasonably large) crowd of folks who would have tied for second with 15 predictions.

5. But not smarter than my mom.

While this last one pains me to no end, had she entered (rather than simply mocking me from afar), my own mother, with 19 predictions (including Best Picture), bested me, our winner Jennifer, and our collective wisdom.

As she emailed to say, "so when you want advice on movies…"

Wisdom of the Crowd
Filed March 4, 2006 4:30 PM.

As promised, here's your collective wisdom on who's going home with statues tomorrow night.

In cases where the runner-up was within 5% of the number of votes, I've included both to account for margin of error. That happened on only two categories: Best Actor, where people were nearly perfectly split between Hoffman and Ledger, and Best Live Action Short, where people were clearly pulling decisions out of their asses.

Interestingly, the most unanimously decided category was Best Documentary Short, and I'm fairly certain no more of you have seen those shorts than the live action ones. Still, stick 'Rwanda' in the title (as in God Sleeps in Rwanda, which garnered 78% of your votes) and it's got to be an Oscar contender.

Check back on Monday to see how we did together, and to determine which wise voter led the pack.

Best Picture: Brokeback Mountain (71%)

Best Director: Ang Lee for Brokeback Mountain (70%)

Best Actor: Philip Seymour Hoffman for Capote (52%), Heath Ledger for Brokeback Mountain (48%)

Best Actress: Reese Witherspoon for Walk the Line (63%)

Best Supporting Actor: George Clooney for Syriana (44%)

Best Supporting Actress: Rachel Weisz for The Constant Gardener (51%)

Best Original Screenplay: Crash - Paul Haggis (41%)

Best Adapted Screenplay: Brokeback Mountain - Larry McMurtry (45%)

Cinematography: Brokeback Mountain (56%)

Editing: Crash (48%)

Art Direction: Memoirs of a Geisha (37%)

Costume Design: Memoirs of a Geisha (59%)

Original Score: Brokeback Mountain (41%)

Original Song: "Travelin' Thru" - Transamerica - Dolly Parton (40%)

Best Makeup: The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe (66%)

Best Sound: King Kong (49%)

Best Sound Editing: King Kong (71%)

Best Visual Effects: King Kong (69%)

Best Animated Feature Film: Wallace & Gromit in The Curse of the Were-Rabbit (67%)

Best Foreign Language Film: Paradise Now (Palestine) (48%)

Best Documentary Feature: Murderball (42%)

Best Documentary Short: God Sleeps in Rwanda (78%)

Best Live Action Short: Our Time Is Up (32%), Cashback (30%), Six Shooter (27%)

Best Animated Short: Moon and the Son (33%)

Cyan Updates
Filed March 3, 2006 12:46 PM.

The Cyan Pictures First Annual Oscar Pool closes tonight at midnight; if you've been meaning to throw your vote into the fast-growing pile, here's your last chance. Go! Go now! And don't forget to give your full name, or I won't be able to track you back down when you win, as we're not collecting emails.

In other news, as our having two company names - Cyan Pictures and Long Tail Releasing - was apparently too confusing for most agents and producers, we're sadly dropping the Long Tail name, and calling everything (both production and distribution) Cyan.

So, with that in mind, the latest distribution-side news from Cyan: two new films we acquired just earlier this week, which we've slated for mid-summer and early fall theatrical release, respectively.

The Oh in Ohio, starring Parker Posey, Paul Rudd, Danny Devito, Mischa Barton, Heather Graham and Liza Minnelli. A smart and very quirky comedy, "The Oh in Ohio tells the story of Priscilla Chase (Posey), a young Cleveland woman who seems to have it all - the perfect job, the perfect house, the perfect husband - except for in bed, where sex has always left her a bit short of the finish line. When the problem drives her husband (Rudd) to unexpectedly leave her for one of his high school students (Barton), Priscilla’s idyllic world is shattered. She sets out on a quest to become just as good at sex as she is at everything else in life - a wild journey that leads her into the arms of the man she least expected (DeVito), and to the discovery that satisfaction often comes from the most unlikely places."
We Go Way Back, an indie drama that won both the Grand Jury prize and Kodak Vision Award for best cinematography at Sundance's sister festival Slamdance, a month back. Loglined as "a funny, tender character study about a young actress named Kate whose refusal to admit to her romantic and professional dissatisfaction leads her to a surreal confrontation with her own past," it's also the best, most subtle look at quarter-life crisis I've ever seen on film. Plus, it's beautifully written, shot and acted, and scored by indie-rocker Laura Veirs with a slew of The Decemberists' music in as well.

I'm unequivocally excited about both films, and think you all should be, too. More details on these, and the handful of other similarly cool post-Sundance acquisitions we're still chasing down, over the next few weeks.

Oh, and final note: both of these films will be part of the Oscar Pool prize pack. Further incentive to put on your best Academy thinking caps.

On Bygone Days
Filed March 1, 2006 4:40 PM.

My senior year in high school, AP US History fell during the same period as jazz band. And, Louis and Miles being nearer and dearer to my heart than any dead president, I opted for jazz.

While I've never regretted that choice, I've often regretted the deep hole in my knowledge that resulted. What was, for example Truman's legacy? Or Harding's? I have absolutely no idea.

Over the years, in fits of self-improvement, I've therefore picked up a slew of US history texts. I've tried to slog through Loewen and Zinn. I've even resorted to Davis' much maligned Don't Know Much About History. Because, as I've said, I don't.

But, despite my best intentions, I'd never make it more than fifty pages through any of these tomes. I'd sit down to read and my eyelids would droop before I could even crack the volume open to the right page.

So, it was with some trepidation that I picked up Erik Larson's The Devil in the White City, which retells the story of the 1893 World's Fair by intertwining the perspectives of Daniel Burnham, the fair's lead architect, and Henry Holmes, a serial killer who used the fair to lure in his victims.

As one reviewer commented, Larson seems a historan with a novelist's soul. Several other reviewers called the book 'engossing'; I couldn't agree more, having, in less than three days, devoured three hundred and forty-some pages - more, perhaps, than I've read of all my prior history reading attempts combined.

So, if you like history books, I highly recommend The Devil in the White City. And if you don't, I recommend it even more.

More Jokes Filed March 29, 2006 10:16 PM.

Spiked Filed March 28, 2006 5:54 PM.

Sucker Filed March 27, 2006 10:13 PM.

Thin Skinned Filed March 26, 2006 11:24 PM.

Pity the Fu Filed March 21, 2006 1:58 PM.

Balls Filed March 20, 2006 1:04 PM.

Mashed Filed March 19, 2006 11:32 PM.

Loopy Filed March 18, 2006 6:05 PM.

Alive Filed March 13, 2006 6:03 PM.

The Results Filed March 7, 2006 9:29 AM.

Wisdom of the Crowd Filed March 4, 2006 4:30 PM.

Cyan Updates Filed March 3, 2006 12:46 PM.

On Bygone Days Filed March 1, 2006 4:40 PM.