Self-Aggrandizement: the whole truth, part two

the whole truth, part two
Filed Wednesday, April 7 2004.

[If you missed it, see part one first.]

Like anybody, I have all kinds of crazy hopes and dreams and fantasies about how I want my life to be. Like anybody, I don't say them out loud, because I don't want people think I'm an egotistical Napoleonic asshole. In truth, however, I am an egotistical Napoleonic asshole, and a large part of telling the truth is not just owning up to that fact, but also owning up to all of those crazy hopes and dreams and fantasies I keep locked inside that make me who I actually am. So, away we go.

What I Really Want:

I want to be famous. I want to be the next Harvey Weinstein. Actually, I want to be bigger than Harvey, but better liked and not so fat and ugly. I want Cyan to make movies and publish books and put out records, and I want those movies and books and records to win Oscars and Pulitzers and Grammys. I want to put out my own movies and books and records as well, and I certainly want those to win Oscars and Pulitzers and Grammys too. I want to get rich doing it, even though I've already lived a vastly more privileged life than nearly anyone in this world, because I'm greedy and don't want to have to think about money and want to have enough to give huge sums to numerous charities and be recognized and lauded as a generous benefactor.

I also want to solve huge, seemingly unsolvable world problems. I want to start nonprofits that end homelessness and disease and poverty and world hunger. I think I'm a genius and can somehow come up with innovative, effective solutions to problems that have baffled the worlds greatest minds for centuries. I think I can find new ways to leverage technology to do so, so I can be remembered for generations as the next Da Vinci, somehow balancing greatness in the separate and parallel worlds of art and science.

I want my family and friends to be happy, and I want to spend time with them. I want them to say things about me to other people like "gosh, that Josh Newman is a really great guy." I want to fall in love with a wonderful woman and have a charmingly dysfunctional romantic comedy kind of relationship that lasts happily together for the rest of our lives. I want to have kids who grow up cultured and beautiful and interesting and happy and vastly smarter than I am.

I want to play trumpet with the very best musicians and record music that people a hundred years from now listen to and imitate and laud for its brilliance. I want to take pictures that end up in books and galleries. I want to participate in a handful of reckless athletic pursuits at an exceedingly high level, though in part only because I think it somehow makes me seem more manly. I want to travel the world, speaking countless languages well enough to impress the locals. I want to eat great foods and learn how to make them myself, and I want to get rip roaring drunk on expensive wines through a palate cultured enough to easily pick the very best vintages from a lineup.

Also, I want to find meaning, spiritual fulfillment and inner peace.

So, there you have it. That utterly ridiculous list is exactly who I am. And also not who I am at all, because the real me can look at all those things and laugh at how stupid it sounds when committed to paper. Most importantly, the real me can recognize that, while that list may lay out exactly where I'd like to end up, I'd be wildly happy if I could get even part of the way.

the whole truth, part two Filed Wednesday, April 7 2004.

the whole truth, part two
Filed Wednesday, April 7 2004.