Self-Aggrandizement: the hell's kitchen museum of curious deaths

the hell's kitchen museum of curious deaths
Filed January 22, 2004 in Best Of, Troublemaking.

Welcome to the Hell's Kitchen Museum of Curious Deaths! Or, at least, to the online version of it. In fact, the HKMoCD initially existed in the real world, in our fair apartment at 360 W. 51st St., New York City. It was located there for just one evening, as the backdrop of our Halloween shindig, the Hell's Kitchen Museum of Curious Deaths All Hallows Eve Tour and Punch Party. We went full out for the event, repainting walls, removing all the furniture, tweaking every detail possible for the most complete transformation.

The following afternoon, as we slowly sobered up, we began to realize that, at some point, we'd probably need to put back our couches, beds and bookshelves. Having expended too much time and energy to simply scrap the Museum's content altogether, however, we decided to recreate the experience online. That's what's going on here.

Even More Introduction

The Museum was in large part modeled after the New York Tenement Museum, so it depended significantly on the atmosphere of the apartment itself, rather than simply upon the exhibits presented. Sadly, given the limitations of the web medium, we can't recreate that here. We have, however, as a bare minimum, included below the floor plan of the Museum, as posted near the Museum's entrance:

In the real world, the Museum's exhibits were broken down by room, with each representing a major inhabitant in the apartment's history: first the McGuinn family (from 1856-1906), then Joseph Leibenz (1907-1954), and finally "Gay Johnny" in the modern era. Online, mainly due to laziness, we've lumped the exhibits together as one unmanageably long page of text.

None the less, we hope you'll enjoy the show.

McGuinn Family; The Builder of 360 W. 51st St., 1856-1906

Seamus McGuinn was born in 1810 on the southeastern coast of Ireland in the small town of Kinsdale, near Cork. McGuinn first came to the states in 1830 as a deckhand on board the Caelan Kavanaugh, a merchant ship that regularly sailed the north Atlantic route. In 1834, he married a woman in Newton, Massachusetts, though she died just seven months after their marriage, in the cholera epidemic that swept through Boston that year. McGuinn later joined the Royal Steam Packet Company of Dublin and was promoted to boatswain, sailing the charter voyage of a new route to New London and New York.In 1846, McGuinn became captain of the Fiona Iverna, a clipper with regular service between Dublin and New York. At that time he was nationalized as an American citizen, and moved into a shared townhouse on the corner of Bethune and Washington in the far West Village. He was a popular fixture of the neighborhood, as his name was listed on the register of several private drinking establishments, one of which, on the corner of Perry and Bleeker, was known to be a brothel.In 1852, a disagreement over a cockfight sent McGuinn looking for housing in the area outside of what was then the city. He built a large wood-frame structure on a parcel of land on the current 50th street and 10th avenue block. The area was still being used as farmland at the time, but as the streets were laid out, businessmen bought up parcels of the land. McGuinn settled there with a group of seamen who were eager to purchase land and establish homes away from their work. They purchased a small farm from a Dutchman named Dekker and subdivided the property. McGuinn lived in a wood frame structure he built there, until it burned in 1855.During that time, McGuinn fell in love with Dekker's daughter, and on his 45th birthday, he married the 17 year old girl, Wilhemina Dekker, known as Winnie. He wrote of her often in his diary and bought her fine items of clothing.

1856: Movin' on Up

When, in 1855, their home was destroyed by fire, Seamus and Winnie decided to build a multi-family dwelling for upper-class Irish nationals. They constructed the building currently located at 360 West 51st Street and moved into the first floor apartment. Winnie soon insisted that they move into an apartment further from the street noise, but not so high that they would have to walk up many flights of stairs.Soon after the building was completed, Winnie gave birth to two twin girls, both of whom were stillborn. Seamus insisted on a male heir, and though he believed his wife to be hysterical with grief over the deaths of the twins, he insisted on a male heir. Subsequently, Winnie gave birth to two daughters, Rhiannon and Treasa and a boy, Hamish.In 1867, Seamus was murdered under unusual circumstances. Suspects were numerous, as many in the community resented his wealth and prosperity, rare for an Irishman at the time. Among the suspects were his own wife, who resented both her servitude to him and the age difference between them, and his son Hamish, who cared deeply for his mother Winnie, and loathed his father's tyrannical dealings with her. Seamus was murdered with the spindle of a spinning wheel, gouged through his skull, between the eyes

1878: Movin' on Out

Following his father's death, Hamish took ownership of the apartment, where he looked after his aging mother. His sisters moved into a residence nearby, and Hamish purchased a dry-goods store with part of his inheritance that all three children helped run. Hamish began taking classes at Columbia College, preparing for a degree as an accountantAfter a torrid affair with a Barnard student, who later committed suicide, Hamish dropped out of classes. He subsequently squandered his inheritance in the bars by the port, seeing his sisters increasingly infrequently. In 1874, his mother Winnie died of neglect. Hamish became a drifter, finding his way to the American/Canadian border, then vanishing completely.

Caoilainn and Fionna McGuinn, 1857

The twin daughters of Seamus and Wilhemina McGuin were stillborn in 1857. Wilhemina insisted on naming the infants Caoilainn and Fionna, claiming that “angel-babies need names just the same as grownup-angels.” Caoilainn and Fionna were buried in a potato patch less than 100 yards from this spot, where there is currently a Go Sushi. In February of 2001, a customer of the restaurant fainted after receiving his sushi box. When awoken, the man insisted that he had seen two dead infants, nestled between his soba noodles and spicy tuna rolls.

Hamish McGuinn, 1872

Hamish McGuin, son of Seamus and Wilhemina, became estranged from his remaining family after the unfortunate spindle-death of his father. An impulse buyer with a sweet tooth, Hamish spent much of his inheritance on one-cent taffy and grapes. In later years, Hamish became afflicted with dementia, drifting through New York state. He was last seen selling his “sweetbreads” in the restroom of a cigar shoppe near Niagra Falls.

Seamus and Wilhelmina McGuinn, 1856

Devout Irish Catholics, Seamus and Wilhelmina (who converted from Dutch Protestant) were practitioners of “Fockleyr Gaelg” a Gaelic tradition of spouse shaving. Using warm lather and a straight-edged blade, Wilhelmina (or “Winnie”) would shave Seamus' beard in the style of the day; Seamus would reciprocate by shaving Winnie's stomach hair in the outline of President Franklin Pierce, also the style of the day.

Musical Instruments, 1858

The McGuinn family loved to play music together on Tuesday evenings. The instruments here constitute what old Seamus called an "Irish Orchestra".His diary entry from February 23rd, 1873 reads: "These damn children can't learn to play music like I listened to in the bonny dales of Eirin. The way they play, it sounds like a bleating sheep being taken from behind. It's a damn shame my own children have to be such a humiliation to our countrymen, most of whom can barely afford to play a potato-chip can on the sidewalk outside the White Horse Tavern. It's a blessing I got the clap a few years back from the red-head milliner in the Bloom's dry goods so's I can't hear the bloody racket."The McGuinn children never became musicians.

Rhiannon and Treasa in Tambourine Class, 1867

Rhiannon (lower left) and Treasa McGuinn (upper row, center) participated in a music class for untalented children. Instruments used in class included tambourines, pebbles in bags, pieces of bark, and snap-peas. Later in life, Rhiannon became a world-traveler and married a Swedish herring importer and haberdasher. Her memoir, entitled “My Life With Tweed Pants and Fish,” was published shortly before her death. Treasa became a bohemian, moved to a one-bedroom apartment off of Washington Square Park, and helped found the Society du Lesbos. Treasa never saw Rhiannon again, but whenever she tasted fish she would think of her sister. Both lived to be 105.

Society du Lesbos, Date Unknown

Founded by Treasa McGuinn in the late-19th century, the Society du Lesbos, an organization comprised of mustache-wearing women, was devoted to discussing the politics of sexuality, gaining women's suffrage, and wearing funnels as hats.The Society du Lesbos made their presence well felt in New York by writing petitions, leading discussions in Washington Square Park, and eating a ton of pussy.

Wilhelmina McGuinn, 1874

After her husband's untimely death, Wilhelmina let her body hair grow wild and became a taxidermist, first as a hobby and then, showing remarkable skill, as a career. She worked until her dying day, and in her obituary it was written that her “workspace was filled with wire, tow, string, and wet clay, the pelts drying on wooden forms and the bird skins turned inside out, dusted with cornmeal and arsenic; scraping-knives in the skulls of deer, the odor of stale meat and green bone, the rank odor of water birds' flesh, almost black with oil.”As per her last request, Wilhelmina's daughters had her stuffed and sent on a freighter back to the Netherlands, where she was placed in a tulip garden outside of Amsterdam and fashioned into a windmill.

Neighborhood Stories: Ginny the Librarian, 1896

This photo of Ginny the Librarian, emerging from her place of work, was on the cover of “The New York Times” on March 11, 1896. At the time, Ginny the Librarian was also known as “Bedbug Ginny,” blamed for the bedbug epidemic of the spring and summer of 1896, having apparently spread more than just the joy of reading.In addition to whoring her way through the five burroughs, Westchester, and must of northern New Jersey, Ginny was able to speak six languages (including American sign language), and spent her spare time using a homemade press to convert the literature of Hawthorne and Melville to Braille.

Neighborhood Stories: Li'l Baby Jennifer, 1887

The entire city of New York waited for four sleepless days in the summer of 1887 as Li'l Baby Jennifer, who fell into an open well, became a symbol of the city's hope and tenacity.The fire department spent almost 80 hours attempting to rescue Li'l Baby Jennifer. When she emerged in the arms of a fireman name Giuseppe Cammarino, the entire city sobbed at the sight of what appeared to be a dead child.In fact, Li'l Baby Jennifer was actually not dead, just very, very tired. Her parents, who owned a coffin factory, posed the sleeping Li'l Baby Jennifer in her coffin-bed for this photo, which was on the cover of the August 7th, 1887 issue of the “Hell's Kitchen Farm Bulletin.”Li'l Baby Jennifer died four months later from malnutrition due to a lack of water and food.

Society & Culture: Oyster Eating, 1898

This woman enjoyed eating oysters, as did many other Americans at the turn of the century. Oysters are high in protein and are plentiful off the waters of Long Island.Nothing else is known about this woman, except that she may have enjoyed her oysters with ice cream and lemonade.

Society & Culture: Woman With Beads, 1924

This woman with beads, named Woman With Beads, sold her necklaces at a cute little boutique in SoHo, though everything was overpriced, and they didn't even have Manola Blahnik or Versace back then, so who really gives a shit?Woman With Beads, whose people were raped and slaughtered by White explorers who “discovered” that there were already natives living on “their discovery,” got her revenge by ripping off dumb tourists with her overpriced shitty necklaces. Disney is currently developing a computer-animated film about Woman With Beads' adventures in capitalism. The voice of Woman With Beads will be performed by Brittany Murphy.

Josef Lieben, Entrepreneur, 1906-1955

The Early Century

The building was sold to the Josef Lieben, a german Jew from Prussia, whose cloth manufacturing facility on 38th street and 8th avenue was doing well. His mother had fallen ill, and he wanted to open the building as an insane asylum to help care for her and the other Jewish ladies in the neighborhood, which was diversifying rapidly and growing fast.By 1936, Josef Lieben had managed to build a clothing empire, with retail stores in Cleveland, Syracuse, Buffalo, Pittsburg, and Detroit. His factories, though run by women and children, were cleaner and better managed than many factories that were operating at the time. However, Josef's heart was in caring for the elderly and the deranged. His asylum, here on 360 West 51st Street, was his refuge from the stress of managing his businesses. His mother welcomed him with open arms and the two would spend long afternoons on many days of the week, hoarding money and spinning dreidel. Josef would never make a decision without seeking his mother's guidance, and so much of his time was passed in his mother's quarters, here on the third floor.Lieben's fortunes shifted in the depression. His stores fell on hard times and Lieben resorted to selling bubble tea from a streetcart on the Lower East Side to pay the debt service on the apartment building. Lieben was later murdered by a ruthless Chinese street gang.

Joseph Lieben and Fritz, 1910

Joseph Lieben (left), who never took a wife, is shown here with his manservant, “Fritz.” One of the leading entrepreneurs of turn-of-the-century Hell's Kitchen, Lieben was successfully able to convert 360 West 51st Street into a combination high-cost insane asylum and low-cost brothel. Referred to in the press as a “scoundrel and a robber baron of flesh,” Lieben claimed that it he did it all for his mother's well being. Joseph Lieben disappeared in 1918, and three months later his top hat, his cane, and his moustache were found behind a Chinese laundry on Mott Street. It is believed that he was murdered by a hit-squad sent by the infamous Ghost Dragons, a gang that ruled Chinatown, and controlled the New York shizophrenic-whore industry with an iron fist.

Schizephrenic Whores, 1917

These deranged women, wives and daughters of wealthy Connecticut businessman, were placed in the care of Joseph Lieben, who promptly converted them into garden-variety hookers.The one in the middle had Tourettes, and could swallow a whole potato. The girl on the upper right had seven distinct personalities, and was double-jointed. The little slut sitting Indian style in the front took an entire group of Navy-men at the same time, then stood up, wiped herself off, and asked if they knew where the Army base was located. Modern statistics weren't kept at this time, but it is estimated that the one on the lower left spread syphilis to the entire west side of Manhattan.After Lieben's mysterious disappearance, all of these women were returned to their parents and husbands in Greenwich and Westport. Later evaluation revealed that they were all, in fact, sound of mind.

Uta Leiben (mother), 1914

Very little is known about Uta, the mother of Joseph Lieben, except that she collected hats and lived with a wooden husband.She is mentioned only once in period newspapers, and the article describes the unfortunate circumstances surrounding her death: “Uta Lieben, a woman aged 78 years, attended a hypnotist's exhibition the other night, and while laughing heartily at the antics of the subject under hypnotic control, was seized with a severe fit of coughing which became hysterical and has continued without stop…Unless the coughing can be cured shortly the results will likely be fatal.”Lieben died three days later, leaving 39 hats and her wooden husband to goodwill.

Uta Leiben's Wooden Husband, 1920

Uta Lieben's wooden husband, whom she referred to as “Franz Appledong,” was born of a forty year old hickory outside of Albany, New York.Both a xenophobe and proponent of the eugenics movement, Franz the wooden man despised Cigar Store Indians, and showed his spite by sitting rigidly and silent.In 1954, Franz Appledong was turned into two-dozen shoehorns, and he now resides in New Jersey, Connecticut, Delaware, Missouri, Kansas, Texas, Illinois, and American Samoa.

Gay Johnny and the Yuppie Brigade, 1955-present

Hell's Kitchen gets its Angel Wings

The second half of the twentieth century saw some remarkable changes for Hell's Kitchen. All of the jews moved to the Upper West Side; all the Italians moved into Brooklyn; the Irish divided up the city into six-block quadrants, with each family assigned the task of managing an Irish pub in their quadrant, to serve as a cultural education center and conversation house.With all the ethnic turmoil, the neighborhood became very dangerous. The new Port Authority bus terminal attracted crack pushers and winos, because poor people take buses. Kids in the nieghborhood began attending the Juliard School for dance and musical theater, quickly leading to their joining gangs and fighting each other in a neighborhood wide, large-scale performance art project called West Side Story that involved stylized knife fighting and re-interpreting Shakespeare.Lured by the musical theater, the Gays came into the neighborhood and opened the Electric Banana Bar on 50th street. After the Gays came the creative capitalists, who, like gays, moved in with their Starbucks and their flat-screen televisions. These were the quarter-life crisis Yuppie Brigade who now live in over forty percent of the Hell's Kitchen housing stock. 360 West 51st Street was bought by a white-bread dork named Jeffrey Shotwell, who owned the building until last September, when it passed back into mob hands. Brusco Management now runs the property.

Local Flavor: Gay Johnny

[Image to be added shortly]

Gay Johnny was a prickly pear, who spent the early part of the 1980's instilling fear in the residents of Hell's Kitchen, a neighborhood that he controlled with a tightly clenched fist, and sphincter.Both a chicken hawk and a “bottom who preferred skinny, uncut, adolescent tops,” Gay Johnny fed his crack habit by slinging his butt around like a walking advertisement for a proctologist's office. From the seedy dive bars across from the Port Authority Terminal to the hidden alcoves of the local Boy's Club, Gay Johnny got around.Johnny had an appetite for crack cocaine and looked for the white rock on most afternoons, trolling for tricks to calm his craving on Ninth Avenue between 46th Street and 57th. He'd find horny uptown sugar daddies, and lure them back to his pad (which he called the "Gotham Sugar Shack", a name that remains to this day), trading sexual favors for money, alcohol, and drugs.Gay Johnny also enjoyed doing the Sunday crossword (he was a classics major at Cambridge), building houses with Habitat for Humanity, and stargazing on his roof.On February 9th, 1984, Johnny was registered missing by the man who lived across the way — Ian, a Scottish actor who continues to live in apartment 3B. Ian was out to locate some inexpensive cans of tuna when he discovered a stench worse than the dented canned tuna in his grocery bag. Gay Johnny was dead, and, worse, he had been so for some time.None the less, according to his wishes, Gay Johnny's prostate was donated to scientific research.

Reverse Mimes, 1968

The men in this photo, taken in 1968, may appear shocking to modern audiences.What modern audiences don't realize is that these men are actually “reverse mimes”. During the Summer of Love (in 1968), their group performed on the steps of the Metropolitan Museum of Art, to absolutely no success whatsoever.“It's performance art, people! Don't you get it?” they were heard to yell at the horrified crowd, shortly before they were pummeled to death by hippies tripping on angel dust.

the hell's kitchen museum of curious deaths Filed January 22, 2004 in Best Of, Troublemaking.

the hell's kitchen museum of curious deaths
Filed January 22, 2004 in Best Of, Troublemaking.